


On Slumber Parties, Stuffed Animals, and Being Strong

by RatOuttaHell



Category: Tales of the Abyss
Genre: (which is apparently my favorite thing), Autistic Character, But here it is, F/F, Fluff, I thought this fic was gonna be way shorter, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, Literal Sleeping Together, Lots of blushing, Post-Canon, Sharing a Bed, Sleepovers, a little bit of, because of, but mostly FLUFFY AS HELL, i finished it, oh right and - Freeform, there's some kissing but it takes a while to get there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-28
Updated: 2015-10-28
Packaged: 2018-04-28 14:28:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5094098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RatOuttaHell/pseuds/RatOuttaHell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tear has never been to a sleepover. Natalia, princess and sleepover expert, takes it upon herself to show her the ropes. Fluff ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	On Slumber Parties, Stuffed Animals, and Being Strong

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY!! I am finally done writing this I am finally publishing this I wanted to go to sleep almost two hours ago but I am DONE!!! this fic is something that I originally wrote in my head when I was trying to go to sleep another night, but then when I went to actually write it down it got a whole lot more difficult. I completely sidelined the fic I'm working on revamping/reposting (idk if anyone reading this also reads God with a Crush, but if you do, I am so sorry, I'll get back on that soon), and a fic that I expected to take a couple days to write turned into a month-long project. or maybe longer, I really can't remember. anyway, TearNat is something near and dear to my heart, and even though I knew that it probably wasn't going to happen in canon, I kind of hoped it would. sometimes it really, really looked like it was going to happen imo. also Tear is autistic (just like me!) bye.

“And now,” said Natalia, wrapping her fingers around the twin gold handles of the sizable double doors to her bedroom. “I present to you the chambers of Princess Natalia Luzu Kimlasca‑Lanvaldear!” With that, she hauled open the doors – solid mahogany and burnished gold, so they had some heft to them – to reveal the chambers behind them. She took a moment to consider what her bedroom must look like to Tear: the heavy velvet drapes the deep, rich color of a fine Bordeaux; the rugs with their swirling patterns of real gold thread; the vanity in the corner, decorated with perfume bottles that caught the glowing lamplight; the numerous doors leading to different sub-chambers, including one that stood ajar so that one might catch a glimpse of the spacious interior of a fully-stocked wardrobe. In particular, Natalia was suddenly highly cognizant of the large collection of stuffed animals arrayed on the burgundy velvet comforter of her canopy bed. She fought a rising blush; Tear, a soldier nearly her entire life, probably found such a display childish and frivolous.

“So,” she said, turning to Tear. “What do you think?” Tear's lips were slightly parted, her eyes a little wider than usual. At her side, her hand slowly tapped against her thigh, like she was slowly beating a drum. Natalia wondered with a twinge of anxiety what that might mean.

“It's,” started Tear. She made a hand gesture Natalia couldn't quite figure out, something where her hands traveled one over the other in small circles. “It's nothing like my room in Yulia City.” Natalia remembered Tear's home, which was rather small with practical furnishings. Her own room must look horribly extravagant compared to Tear's.

“No, I suppose it isn't,” said Natalia modestly, trying very hard not to let her current lapse in confidence show.

“I'm sorry,” said Tear. She turned her head like she was looking at Natalia, but her eyes were lowered more towards the floor than Natalia's face. Did she think that she wasn't allowed to meet a princess's eyes? But they had traveled together for some time, it wasn't as though they were strangers. “That was probably impolite. I didn't mean… I meant to say… it's beautiful, Natalia.” “

Well, thank you,” replied Natalia, her tension easing a bit with Tear's apology. She smiled brightly and pointed gestured towards the windows along the opposite wall, the curtains drawn over them to keep the lamplight from seeping out into the night. “I've always thought it was much prettier during daylight hours. I have crystals strung in the windows and they cast lovely lights and rainbows when the sunlight shines through them. It makes the whole place look a lot brighter, almost younger. Sometimes when I read at my desk at night, it feels like a sixty-year-old should be living here, not me.” She paused and looked over at Tear, who still wasn't looking directly at her face. Quickly, she added, “But I love it, of course. It's been in my family for generations and everything. My adoptive family, at least.” Tear nodded, looking oddly solemn.

“I would love to see the crystals sometime,” she said somewhat awkwardly. Her hand resumed its quiet drumbeat on her thigh, the pace a bit quicker than before.

“Oh, you will! You're staying overnight, after all.” Tear's face began to flush at her mistake, to which Natalia decided the most appropriate response was to pretend she didn't notice. From the time she'd spent with Tear, she had gathered that she wasn't the type to want people to bring attention to an emotional reaction. In her attempts at avoiding Tear's rapidly reddening face, Natalia caught sight of the brown leather bag over Tear's shoulder. “Which reminds me – you can put that down wherever you want to! No need to hold onto it all night.”

“Oh!” said Tear, glancing down at her bag. She hesitated for a moment before walking across the room and leaning it against a chest of drawers. She stood slightly bent over the bag, her back turned towards Natalia, for long enough that Natalia was about to ask if everything was okay when Tear turned back around. Her cheeks practically glowed pink, and her gaze remained downcast as she spoke.

“Um,” she said, hands circling each other again. “What are we supposed to do?” “What do you mean?” asked Natalia. Another flare of blush rose to Tear's face; Natalia began to worry that she might combust if she didn't cool down immediately. “I meant at, um,” the circles became bigger, extending further from Tear's torso, “at this kind of an event?” A large, flustered sigh. “I'm sorry, I've never done this sort of thing before.”

“A sleepover?” asked Natalia incredulously. Tear nodded. “You've never been to a sleepover before?”

“I shared rooms with you at the different inns we stayed at,” Tear said. “And Luke and Guy and Anise and Jade, sometimes. We slept then.” Natalia shook her head, laughter bubbling in her body and building until some of it spilled from her mouth. Tear's eyebrows knitted closer together. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No, no!” assured Natalia. She put a hand in front of her mouth and breathed deeply a few times to quell the giggling. “I'm sorry. It's just that… staying at the inns when we were run down and tired and dirty from traveling and fighting monsters… that's not even remotely considered a sleepover!”

“Oh?” asked Tear. Her face was returning to its normal color, and Natalia suffered another mild round of the giggles when she realized she wouldn't have to pour a bucket of water over Tear's head.

“No,” she said. “That's an entirely different situation. Hold on, a little more setup might be in order.” She strode across the room to the wall closest to Tear, where a small bronze bell was mounted. “It lets the servants know I need someone to come to my room,” she explained to Tear as she pulled the bell. It wasn't even a full minute before there was a knock on Natalia's door, which she answered promptly.

“Oh, hello Viola!” she greeted, her face lighting up at the sight of one her closest servants' lightly lined features. She smiled hospitably and gestured to Tear, who still stood near her overnight bag. “My esteemed guest, Mystearica, has never been to a sleepover before. We're going to need at least two trays of warm pastries, with an emphasis on chocolate.”

“I'll let the kitchen staff know right away, Princess,” said Viola, her faint laugh lines deepening pleasantly as she smiled. “Will the two of you be needing anything else?”

“That should be fine for now,” said Natalia. “Oh, but how is Althea doing? I haven't managed to get a letter out to her in a while now.”

“Well, she absolutely adores Keterburg,” said Viola. “You know how she's always loved the snow. She's so happy there, Princess Natalia. That city might be the love of her life; she'll never marry!” She laughed. “Of course, it's been difficult for me having her so far away. But she's an adult now. And I'm so old.” As if to illustrate her point, Viola tucked a stray lock of greying auburn hair behind her ear.

“You don't seem old to me,” assured Natalia, clasping Viola's hand.

“Thank you, dear,” said Viola. “You're practically grown, too.” She squeezed Natalia's hand and released it. “But then, you're still the little princess chasing my daughter around the garden to me, too.” She sighed, then smiled again. “I'll have someone send the pastries up as soon as they're done.”

“Thank you,” said Natalia. Behind her, she heard Tear echo the sentiment. The doors closed behind Viola, and Natalia sat down on the edge of her bed. She gestured for Tear to join her, but Tear continued standing in the same spot she had been standing in for what had now been about ten minutes, staring at Natalia's hand.

“Come sit with me,” she said, hoping that a more direct approach might be more effective. She patted the spot beside her. She leaned her head towards Tear and stage-whispered: “This is part of what we do at sleepovers.” Tear must have accepted that explanation, because she very carefully lowered herself onto the velvet comforter beside Natalia.

“What do we do now?” asked Tear. Her hands were folded neatly in her lap, her back straight but stiff. She had always come off a little bit aloof, but Natalia couldn't remember her looking this stony.

“Well, we talk,” Natalia answered. She didn't wait for Tear to start talking, assuming that doing so would lead to further silence and possible discomfort. “You know, in our correspondences, when we were working out all of these plans, you never mentioned you hadn't been to a sleepover before.”

“I guess I didn't quite understand,” said Tear. “I had originally assumed that I would be staying at Luke's manor when I came to visit, and in a separate room. When we started making plans for me to stay here with you, I hadn't really considered how it would be different from staying at an inn overnight. Or, I did, but I didn't exactly know what to do about it. I'm good at thinking on my feet in combat; I should have remembered that I'm much worse at it in social situations. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you.” She was drumming again, faster now than before.

“It's okay! Really, it's okay,” said Natalia. She moved her hand closer to Tear's, but on the next upswing the back of Tear's hand hit the palm of Natalia's and then froze. Tear withdrew her hand quickly, examined it, but she didn't look terribly distressed. More curious, fanning out the fingers and wiggling them slowly. Natalia felt a smile tugging at her lips, though she didn't know why. “It just means that I'm the sleepover expert, and I have to teach you all of my ways.”

“How many sleepovers have you been to?” asked Tear.

“Well, I mean,” started Natalia, a little caught off guard by the question. “I've never exactly tallied them up, but the number isn't small. Most of them happened when I was younger. A lot of the time I would have sleepovers with daughters of visiting nobility or foreign dignitaries, and I made a lot of friends that way! My favorite person to have sleepovers with was Viola's daughter Althea, though. She was a couple of years older than I was, and I looked up to her so much. She was my first best friend.” For a moment, as Natalia thought about the afternoons spent lying side by side in the garden grass and the nights spent chattering about their lives and futures, and it was almost as if she were there again, right back in those memories.

“Of course,” she said, returning from the land of reminiscence. “As I got older, I had more and more official business to tend to, and Althea got busier with her schoolwork. All the politicians' daughters were in situations that were similar to ours, and eventually I hardly had any sleepovers anymore. One of the only people around my age I really got to see was Luke.”

“I'm so sorry,” said Tear, and she said it with such hushed earnestness that Natalia was sure she was serious until she saw the small smiling gracing Tear's face. Before Natalia could do anything about it, another cacophony of laughter overtook her, shaking her whole body and bringing tears to her eyes. Beside her, Tear's smile split wide across her face, and her laughter started, low and soft and melodious and building louder and less restrained from there. Natalia had the strange urge to let her know how pleasing her laugh sounded, but found herself unable to recover and, much to her chagrin, snorted in the middle of a particularly enthusiastic peal.

Natalia's eyes widened and she clapped a hand over her mouth, stifling the sound. She froze for a second, then glanced to where Tear sat by her side. Like Natalia, she too had frozen, the whites of her eyes showing all the way around her irises. Her hands were clutched around her stomach and her lips were slightly parted and she was leaning over just enough that silky strands of her chestnut hair fell forward into her face. Silently, her eyes slid towards Natalia, her gaze falling just below Natalia's eyes, more towards her nose or chin or somewhere else that didn't quite make sense. The expression on her face was so earnestly baffled that Natalia started laughing again, in gasping guffaws she was sure made her look hideous. It didn't take long before Tear had joined in again, her legs thumping on the floor like laughter by itself wasn't enough to express what she was feeling. When someone knocked on the door Natalia only just heard it over their self-created din.

“That must be the pastries,” she said, wiping her eyes on an embroidered handkerchief she pulled out of her pocket. She held it out in an offer to Tear, but she had already mopped the tears from her face using the end of her shirtsleeve, and didn't appear to notice Natalia's gesture. Tucking the handkerchief back into a pocket on her dress (after her travels with Luke and company, she had insisted that all her clothes must have pockets – it was only practical), she took a few deep, controlled breaths and headed for the door.

“Your refreshments, Princess,” said a servant bearing an enormous covered tray. Natalia tried to hide her disappointment that the servant was not Viola, but a sandy-haired boy who had started to work at the castle about a month ago. Rather than going to the trouble of directing him to an as‑of‑yet designated location to set down the platter, Natalia lifted it into her own arms.

“Thank you, Joseph,” she said, remembering the name just in time.

“O-of course, Princess,” stammered Joseph. Color rose in his face, and Natalia almost regretted calling him by his name. She remembered now her suspicion that the servant was developing some sort of crush on her, and that she very much did not want to deal with it. “Is there anything else you n-need?”

“That will be all for the moment, thank you,” replied Natalia. She didn't want to be rude, but she was eager to return to Tear now that some of the tension had broken between them. Joseph nodded – or perhaps it was a very small, very awkward bow? – and left the room, closing the door behind him.

“Do you know all of their names?” asked Tear as Natalia placed the tray on the bed between them and sat down. “Everyone who works here, I mean.”

“I do try,” said Natalia, removing the covering from the tray. A wide variety of pastries, most small enough to eat in a bite or two, were arranged in concentric circles on the shining silver surface. With a smile, Natalia noted that an appropriately large portion of them contained chocolate. “They do so much for me; it's only polite.”

“That's amazing,” said Tear. Natalia noticed that she hadn't even made a move for the sweets yet. Maybe she was waiting for Natalia to start? Natalia wasn't about to complain about that – she lifted what appeared to be a chocolate-covered cake bite to her lips and popped it in her mouth. Tear took no notice. “I'm terrible with faces and names,” she said.

“You know who I am, don't you?” joked Natalia.

“Of course,” said Tear. She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and smiled to herself. “You're Natalia. The archer.” Natalia's breath hitched. That was how Tear saw her? Not Natalia, the princess. Not Natalia, the bossy (which she could admit had some truth to it). Not even Natalia, the healer. To Tear, she was an archer. The archer, even. And even though Natalia had gone to the School of Archery and spent years mastering the art, she didn't think there was one other person who thought of her, first and foremost, as an archer. She swallowed, her throat feeling dry all of a sudden.

“See?” she said, aiming for a lighthearted tone but unable to entirely erase the waver in her voice. “That's all you need to know.” She picked up a petit four, chocolate-iced and topped with a delicate pink flower made of fondant, and held it out to Tear. “Here, eat this. I'm not going to be able to finish all of these on my own.”

“Will we be able to finish them, even between the two of us?” asked Tear, extending her hand but not taking the sweet, so Natalia dropped it into her palm. “It looks like there are enough to feed a small army. And maybe their horses, too.” Natalia laughed.

“Maybe not,” she said. “But we'll try. That's what you do at sleepovers: you stay up too late, and you talk, and you do each other's hair, and you eat sugary food until you physically cannot fit any more in your body.” Tear quirked an eyebrow and stared down the petit four in her hand like she was sizing up an opponent. “You know, if you wait too long, the fondant will melt in your hand.” That was enough to convince Tear – she opened her mouth wide and ate the confection in one neat bite. As she chewed, her eyes widened in what Natalia hoped was amazement, and not terror. She swallowed loudly and then began waving both her hands up and down in a gesture that looked a little bit like a bird trying to take flight.

“Is it good?” asked Natalia cautiously, unsure of what this development meant.

“Yes!” exclaimed Tear. She flushed at her own volume, and spoke more quietly when she continued. “Yes, it's very good. Sorry, I… I haven't had chocolate in years, and I couldn't remember whether or not I liked it. I _do_ like it, though.” Although she was much quieter than before, her hands still flapped enthusiastically. Which Natalia had to admit, even if it was silently and only to herself, was pretty endearing. She clapped her own hands together.

“Wonderful! Then you should try one of the chocolate macarons,” she said. The words were coming out quicker than she intended, and a little quicker than she could manage. It was all she could do to keep them from crashing into each other or tripping off her tongue. “Or a mini‑eclair, ooh! Or a bit of mille-feuille – there's chocolate in the icing – or one of these tiny cookies… oh, wow, the kitchen staff have really outdone themselves this time.” She checked to make sure that Tear wasn't still hesitant about taking food, but it didn't seem that she was having any trouble of the sort now. Quite the opposite, actually: she was actually picking up dessert after dessert and arranging them in a small stack on her hand. She caught sight of Natalia's eyes and froze in place, leaning over the polished tray with a handful of chocolate pastries. “I'm sorry,” she said awkwardly.

“I may be getting a bit carried away.”

“No, no need to worry about that,” said Natalia. A thought occurred to her, and she laughed. “Actually, you've just mastered one of the main tenets of slumber parties!” Tear blushed again, but she was smiling as she tucked into the confections she had gathered. Natalia felt something warm taking up residence in her chest.

* * *

 

They continued on like that for a while – chatting, finding their ways around each other in conversation, stealing a bite or two from the silver tray just after announcing that they couldn't eat another crumb. Joseph brought them a pitcher of cold water infused with mint, and although Natalia didn't quite welcome the intrusion, she and Tear both drank it from crystal glasses in liberal quantities. Natalia told stories of growing up in the winding halls of the castle and Tear traded her tales of training sessions with General Legretta. They spoke of Anise, and how they needed to visit her when she wasn't on pressing business in Daath, and Tear admitted that she was terrible at making social visits and Natalia told her that they could go together, and Natalia was sure that they both glowed at the idea, at least a little bit.

Talking to Tear wasn't like talking to anyone else Natalia had ever known. Even once they had settled into each other's presence, Tear still rarely looked directly at Natalia, regardless of which one of them was talking. Natalia hadn't noticed this behavior when they were traveling together, but then she supposed that she wasn't paying as close attention to Tear then as she was now. From just a few short hours of observation, though, she was able to pick up on other cues that Tear was listening, or what she might feel. Cues like waving or circling hands, palms drumming on thighs, feet beating against the floor, fingers combing through her hair, and all other manner of outpourings of one type of energy or another. From experience, Natalia knew that Tear was capable of holding perfectly still. It seemed, however, that stillness was far from Tear's natural state. And even though the motions were atypical, together they felt graceful as Tear executed them. Rhythmic, like the beginning of a dance no one else could begin to understand.

When she spoke, there were more silent spaces than Natalia was used to. Not _empty_ spaces, though; Tear frequently remained in motion during them, and even when she sat still Natalia could see the gears turning in her head. With anyone else, Natalia would have assumed that the gaps in conversation indicated a lack of interest in the subject, or discomfort in the speaker. She was quickly realizing, though, that when Tear went quiet she was gathering ideas, figuring out the right words to crystallize them. Because as blunt as she could sometimes be, Tear chose her words very carefully when she felt she needed to.

Eventually, a servant arrived at the door with a pot of chamomile lavender tea, plus teacups, a small pitcher of cream, and bowls of sugar and honey. The servant wouldn't give anything away, but Natalia heavily suspected that her father had requested the tea to encourage his daughter and her guest to sleep. Natalia took the tray from the servant with a subtle roll of her eyes she hoped the servant would know wasn't directed towards her. Even though Natalia was nineteen now, and had been involved in political affairs since she was twelve years old, but her father was frequently all too quick to treat Natalia like a child (as were many others who dared not be so forthright about the matter). Natalia set the tea tray on her vanity.

“My gracious father has sent us bedtime tea,” she told Tear. “Now, sleepover tradition dictates that we stay awake until we can't keep our eyes open any longer, but help yourself. I'm going to change into a nightgown; you can use either the bathroom or the dressing room to do the same. Whichever makes you more comfortable.”

“Ah, um,” started Tear, her hand beating against her thigh anxiously. “I, um, didn't actually bring anything to wear for sleeping, specifically.” Natalia cocked her head to one side.

“You didn't bring nightclothes to a slumber party?” she asked. Tear shook her head, turning a bit red again.

“I thought it was going to be like staying at an inn while we were traveling,” she said. “I just took off my coat and slept in my underclothes then.”

“Well that won't do,” said Natalia, bringing her hand to her face in consideration. Then, she snapped her fingers and smiled, although she regretted it a bit when she noticed that Tear flinched at the sound. “We're about the same size! You can just borrow one of my nightgowns.”

“Are you sure that's okay?” asked Tear. Now her hands were circling again, worried.

“It most certainly is,” said Natalia. “I have plenty of them. More than I need, probably, but you know what a princess's wardrobe is like.” Tear looked blank. “Well, maybe you don't, but mine is rather… sizable.” Truth be told, Natalia felt a little embarrassed when she thought about the excessive nature of her lifestyle. At least when she tried to view it through the eyes of a practical soldier like Tear. Before she could further embarrass herself, Natalia ventured over to her wardrobe. Her long, deft fingers sorted through a number of nightgowns arranged on silk hangers until she had chosen the perfect garments for both herself and Tear.

“Ta-dah!” she exclaimed, holding out her selection for Tear out in front of her. Tear's eyes widened, taking in the ruffled hem, the roses and tiny bows made of lilac-colored silk along the neckline, the intricate lace applique along the short sleeves. After a few moments of silence, Natalia began to doubt her choice. “Or would you prefer something more understated? There are plenty of other options.”

“No, no,” said Tear quickly. She reached out and touched the silk-cotton blend ever so gently. “It's so lovely. You're sure that it's okay for me to sleep in it?” Natalia found herself staring at Tear, her lips slightly parted and petal-soft, her blue eyes practically glowing in the gentle lamplight, her fingers brushing the folds of the nightgown. Realizing that Tear had asked her a question, Natalia cleared her throat.

“That is what it was made for,” she said, handing the garment to Tear. “Would you prefer the bathroom or the dressing room?”

“The dressing room, if that's okay,” said Tear.

“Of course!” said Natalia. “I'll be back in a moment.”

Inside the bathroom, Natalia closed the door and sat down on the cream-tiled floor, leaning her back against the porcelain of the tub. Her heart thudded in her chest like a relentless timpani; she wondered if Tear, with her sharp ears, had been able to hear it when they were last in the room together. She breathed in deeply, counting slow seconds in her head in attempt to stabilize herself. When Luke had mentioned that Tear wanted to come visit, Natalia had jumped at the chance to have Tear over for the night. The two had traveled together for months, fought side by side in the face of total and incomprehensible destruction, but for all that, they had never become terribly close. This was her chance, she had thought, to get to know the mysterious Mystearica a bit better. She had anticipated meaningful conversation and a deeper bond forming between the two of them, but she hadn't anticipated….

Tear was beautiful. Of course she was beautiful – Luke liked her, maybe even loved her, and despite the personal growth Luke had undergone through his journey, Natalia doubted that he would fall for someone considered “ugly.” Natalia was used to seeing beautiful girls, though; there was no shortage of them in Kimlasca. She might catch herself staring from time to time and quickly avert her gaze, blushing and hoping she hadn't made anyone uncomfortable (hoping that no one had noticed at all), but none of them had anywhere near the effect on her that Tear did. Most of the beautiful young women Natalia encountered were the daughters of dignitaries, and thus were schooled in manners and charm. On the other hand, Tear was far from charming, at least by conventional standards. There was just something in her gestures, in her laugh, her earnestness, her… _everything_ that made Natalia's heart leap into her windpipe and dear _Lorelei_ how long had she felt this way?

No. That wasn't something Natalia wanted to get into right now – rifling through her memories of her journey with Luke and the whole party, searching for indications, analyzing every glance and every fleeting emotion, questioning if she had focused so much on Luke and Asch in part to cover up feelings she may or may not have held for Tear. She most certainly did not want to go back any further than that, either, to eye contact that crackled or embraces that lasted a little longer that was strictly “normal.” She couldn't bear it. Her poor brain was in enough crisis as it was, and she didn't know how long she had been ruminating on the bathroom floor, and for goodness sake she hadn't even put on her nightgown yet. She took a couple of deep breaths to steady herself before standing up and busying herself with the garment. For herself she had selected a nightgown the color of a robin's egg with short, puffed sleeves and a small frill at the bottom hem. Her fingers shook as she fastened the waist ribbon in a bow at her front. Silently she told herself that there was no need to be nervous, that she and Tear had been speaking comfortably tonight, and that Tear didn't even know about Natalia's feelings. That, if Natalia was careful enough, Tear never had to know at all.

Natalia looked in the mirror, taking a few more slow, conscientious breaths. Her reflection breathed along with her; she found the movement oddly soothing. A little self-consciously, she straightened the bow at her waist, combed through a lick of flyaway blonde hair with her fingers. Not that she was preening or anything. Not that she had any reason to preen. She sighed a little, and her reflection sighed back with a resigned sort of dejection in its eyes that Natalia wiped from her face as she walked back into her room.

Tear was already sitting on the bed when she got back. As Natalia had suspected, the lilac of the nightgown gave Tear's skin the appearance of porcelain, turned her eyes into sapphires, blooming hydrangeas, the most intense blue Natalia could remember seeing. The capped sleeves revealed elegant-yet-muscular arms, which were wrapped around a large plush rappig Emperor Peony had sent from Malkuth for her last birthday. Tear was so entranced by the stuffed animal, her hands running through its artificial fur, that she didn't seem to notice Natalia's presence. Natalia resisted the temptation to continue watching her in this trance-like state (or to fall into a faint, because she honestly was not sure how much more of this she could handle), and instead cleared her throat softly, alerting Tear to her presence.

“Oh!” said Tear, jerking into what Natalia could only assume was a military sitting position, back straight and eyes alert. Her arms were still wrapped firmly around the rappig, though. “I… I hope this is okay; he just looked so soft.”

“It's fine!” said Natalia. She smiled. “I'm sure Lady Snufflehop is overjoyed at your companionship.”

An expression of horror dawned on Tear's face, and Natalia was almost afraid to know what had occurred to her when Tear said: “She's a girl, then! I didn't mean to… I sometimes call people the wrong thing and they… my sincerest apologies, Lady Snufflehop.” She actually turned the rappig around to face her, bending her waist in a subtle bow. Natalia wondered if it was possible that she had hit her head in the bathroom and this was all part of some dying dream.

“No need to apologize,” Natalia said, operating under the pretense that this was, against all odds, real life. “Lady Snufflehop doesn't care much one way or the other. Very modern, that one.” Tear blinked at her with owlish eyes, and Natalia turned on her heel to hide her burning face. She strode towards her vanity. “Actually,” she said. “I was just thinking that it might be time for another sleepover tradition. If we're going to give you the full slumber party experience, it is absolutely _crucial_ that I do your hair.”

“What are you going to do to my hair?” she asked, grabbing a bundle of silky strands in a protective fist. “Don't worry,” said Natalia. She picked up a silver filigree hairbrush, a fine-toothed comb, and a matching hand mirror with the royal crest emblazoned on its back. “I'm not going to do anything irreversible. I'm just going to brush and style your hair a little bit.” She sat down beside Tear and, thinking that she had better ask, added: “Is that okay?”

“Yes,” said Tear after a moment's hesitation. Her hand patted the rappig quietly and repetitively.

“Are you sure?” asked Natalia. “If you don't want me to, I don't have to touch your hair.” Tear nodded, eyes squeezed tightly shut. Natalia didn't think that Tear was completely sold on Natalia doing her hair, but she was also fairly certain that she wasn't going to get anywhere by trying to argue about it. “Alright,” she said. “You stay right where you are. You can keep holding onto Lady Snufflehop, too! I'm just going to sit behind you and brush your hair. Let me know if I hit any snags or pull your hair or if anything hurts, alright? This is my nicest brush, so it shouldn't hurt.”

She scooted behind Tear, who made a sound a little like a snort and said: “I'm sure that I've dealt with worse.” Natalia giggled, a weight lifting from her chest.

“Right,” she said. She pulled the brush through the river of Tear's hair. As she suspected, the brush came through smoothly, no snags. Brushing it was probably unnecessary and definitely self-indulgent on Natalia's part. Tear didn't need to know that, though, she thought to herself with a pang of guilt. After a few strokes, she came across a small knot and the guilt eased, as though that one tangle justified the entire task. “I'm going to untangle this spot, but I'm going to be as gentle as possible.” Tear nodded slightly, and Natalia began to work on the knot with her comb, her hands delicate and slow. There was a small amount of tugging as she worked through the knot, but Tear didn't tense or make a sound.

“There. All gone. And you handled it heroically, if I may say so.”

“I barely felt it,” said Tear. “There was no reason to complain.”

“Tell that to Luke,” said Natalia with a snort. “Every time I hit a tangle he yelped like a kicked puppy. Not that I would ever kick a puppy, of course. But that's what he sounded like. And he had a lot of tangles because he was never thorough enough when he brushed his own hair. He used the least effective shampoos, too – it was ridiculous! All this wealth laid out at his feet and he couldn't invest in a decent de-tangling conditioner to make my life easier? The boy wanted to keep his hair long, never wanted to put in the time to take care of it.”

“You used to brush Luke's hair?” asked Tear, a hint of surprise coloring her voice.

“Oh, I certainly did,” said Natalia. Her comb worried at another small knot, this one maybe about the size of her pinkie fingernail. She may have lingered over it longer than she needed to, but she justified it to herself as not wanting to cause Tear any discomfort. “And you know how the tips used to be golden-blonde? That wasn't natural. _That_ was Natalia.” She smiled to herself, smug. “You're a much better styling subject than he was. Though admittedly I wasn't quite as careful with his hair as I'm trying to be with yours. Only because he was being a brat, though.” She sighed as she switched back to the brush. “When he first cut his hair, I was a little doubtful of his ability to change. But knowing that I wouldn't have to deal with all those snarls anymore… it was like a weight off my back.”

There was a stretch of silence between them. Briefly, Natalia wondered if Tear would notice if she retired her brush and comb for a moment and instead carded her fingers through her hair. She dismissed the thought almost immediately, though, admonished herself for the thought. It was creepy, she told herself. If Tear knew about it, it would make her uncomfortable, and that wasn't very hostess-like.

“Do… do you know,” started Tear in a thin voice. She cleared her throat quietly. “Do you know if he's still Luke, or…?” Natalia's brushstrokes stilled; she had to remind herself to breathe. She set the brush down beside her.

“No,” she said quietly. “No, I don't.” Then, timidly, she asked, “Do you?”

“No,” Tear said. Natalia sniffed as quietly as she could, delicately divided Tear's hair into sections for braiding. Although she knew Tear wouldn't see it, Natalia plastered on her sunniest smile, the one she normally reserved for accepting gifts she didn't particularly like in order to avoid offending politicians.

“There are times when I think that he must be Luke,” she said in a tone she hoped sounded nonchalant. “After all, he says he's Luke, and only Luke. Sometimes he talks just like Luke would, or acts like Luke would, or complains like Luke would. But there are other times when I'm not so sure that it's Luke in there, and not…” Natalia trailed off. She realized that she had misdone the a segment of the braid a ways up and gingerly undid her previous work, blinking tears out of her eyes.

“I apologize,” said Tear. “I shouldn't have brought it up. This must be very difficult for you. You were supposed to marry Asch, weren't you?” Natalia could have laughed if her heart didn't feel so heavy.

“I was,” she said instead, nodding. “The whole confusion over Luke's return has thrown my family's wedding plans into chaos. The engagement is off indefinitely. That doesn't bother me so much, though. No one ever asked me if I wanted to marry him, you know; I was never given other options. It is difficult, though. He was… they were… they are very dear to me. This must affect you at least as much. You and Luke loved each other.” Even saying the words made Natalia's heart sink into her stomach like a cold stone.

“I care about him very much,” said Tear. Natalia focused intently on her braiding, watching her fingers weave over and under one another in simple, repetitive motions. Thankfully, Tear changed the subject. “I appreciate your invitation to spend the night. I'm glad to have this opportunity to get to know you better.” Natalia tempered her suddenly quickening breathing.

“I'm happy you took me up on the offer,” she said, aiming again for casual, although her words rushed out a little too quickly and it dampened the effect. “We hardly ever talked one-on-one like this when we were traveling together. Even then there wasn't much time for idle chit-chat, really, what with the fate of the world at stake. There's so much I didn't know about you.” She reached the end of the braid. Needing something to tie it with, she leaned over to her bedside table and pulled out the drawer. Tear's eyes followed her with a hint of unease.

“One moment,” Natalia told her, and Tear went back to staring at Lady Snufflehop's pinkish plush fur. Natalia sifted through the myriad ribbons in the drawer before selecting one that matched Tear's nightgown. She eased back over and tied the ribbon in a bow around the bottom of the braid. “Alright, all finished!” Tear's hand moved for the mirror, but Natalia beat her to it and snatched it up. “Actually, I think this calls for a bigger mirror.”

Natalia scooted out from behind Tear and rose from the bed. After hesitating a moment, Tear did the same, but not before tucking Lady Snufflehop under her arm to come with her. Together, they walked over to Natalia's vanity, where Natalia gently sat Tear down in the cushioned chair in front of the mirror. Tear's eyes widened, and her free hand brought the braid over her shoulder.

“Natalia…” she said, mouth slightly agape. She closed it, smiled in a way that set Natalia's pulse just a little off beat. “It looks beautiful. Thank you.” Natalia flushed.

“It's only a simple braid,” she said modestly. “You've never worn your hair braided?” Tear shook her head.

“I almost always wear it down,” she said. “Sometimes I'll tie it back if I need to keep it out of my face, but I never do anything more than that. Without being able to see the back of my head, I think I would probably have trouble. But this… this looks really lovely.” She took in the sight of her reflection again, then buried her face in Lady Snufflehop and made a noise that sounded a good deal like squealing while kicking her feet. Again, Natalia thought that she must be having the most beautiful dying hallucination, that she had to be lying half-crushed under a boulder somewhere, her brain losing oxygen and coming up with wondrous images to comfort her in her final moments. She laughed, because if this was all some production by an oxygen-starved brain, she couldn't think of a better one.

“For all the time I thought about your visit,” she said. “I never once predicted that you and Lady Snufflehop would be such great friends. Tear's kicking ceased. She raised her head from the stuffed animal and looked at Natalia's face (somewhere beneath the eyes, as she had earlier) in the mirror.

“No?” she asked.

“Not at all,” said Natalia, not allowing her smile to falter, not allowing her heart's fluttering to show on her face. “I thought you would find my 'collection,' well, a bit silly.” Tear tilted her head slightly to the side.

“Why would you think that?” she asked. She didn't sound offended, but genuinely curious. Natalia fumbled for an explanation that would make sense, wording that wouldn't come off insulting or presumptuous. Hurting Tear's feelings with careless words was the last thing she wanted to do.

“You're just,” she started. “You're so _strong_. I didn't think you would like something so… not that you're not allowed to like them!” she said hastily. This was coming out all wrong, not like she meant it to, and she didn't know how to control it. “You're certainly allowed to like them, it makes me… it's just that they're so… and I'm so…” Carefully, Tear turned away from the mirror and rose to her feet, leaving Lady Snufflehop alone in the chair. Natalia wanted to hide – under her bed, behind her hands, anywhere, anything to avoid Tear's disapproval, her own reddening face and blundering words.

“Natalia,” said Tear, drawing the name out quietly and cautiously. “Do you think you're not strong?” A huge breath of air – one that she could not hold back – escaped from Natalia's lungs.

“What?” she asked before reprimanding herself for uncouthness and reformulating her plan of action. No need to hide, and it didn't seem like Tear was angry or even exactly upset, so much as confused and maybe a little bit concerned. “No, that's not it, exactly, but I'm not nearly as strong as you are. You're a soldier, and I-I'm a princess.”

“That's ridiculous,” said Tear bluntly. “You're one of the strongest people I know.” That was a compliment Natalia couldn't even begin to accept. Not coming from someone like Tear. She shook her head.

“I'm useful, sometimes, but you,” she said, again floundering for words. “Your use of the fonic artes is incredible, you were an essential part of the team…. You saved my life, Tear. I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for you.”

“That may be true,” said Tear. She tilted her head up and met Natalia's eyes with more authority than someone wearing a pale nightgown should be able to maintain. “But I'm sure you saved my life a dozen times or more on the battlefield. You are a skilled Seventh Fonist who healed me when I was too busy focusing on the rest of the team to take care of myself, and your archery skills outmatch those of any other archer I've encountered. Natalia, I promise that I would not say this if I did not believe it was true: you are one of the strongest people I know.” Her eyes burned like there were flames behind them – an ocean on fire, a night sky full of meteors set aflame as they plummeted through the atmosphere. Now that it met her own, Tear's gaze was almost too intense, and Natalia was pulled further and further into it until she realized that her lips were against the ones she had been so fixed on all night.

It was barely more than a brush before Natalia pulled back, scandalized by her own behavior. All the color drained for her face, as if her cheeks were trying to make up for the times she had blushed tonight. Instantly, she felt cold terror descending on her. She hadn't been careful enough – she had ruined it, and now Tear wouldn't want anything to do with her anymore, and Natalia couldn't find it in herself to blame her.

“I am so, so sorry,” she started, and the words started to tumble out, tripping over themselves the same way they had just minutes before. “I shouldn't have done that. That was over the line, that was wrong, I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have done that, it was an accident I didn't mean to, I didn't want you to… I shouldn't have done that.” Panic clenched its grip around her throat, tears stung at her eyes, and she knew that if she didn't get a hold on herself soon, she would be sobbing on the floor and Tear would be even more uncomfortable and–

“You shouldn't have done that,” said Tear evenly, and Natalia couldn't bear to look at her face. “You should have asked.” Natalia opened her mouth to apologize again, but Tear spoke before she could get the words out. “But we could have a do-over.”

Natalia finally looked down at Tear's face. It was strawberry red, her gaze averted again, and her moved over and under one another in fast little circles. She didn't look angry or disgusted or horrified, she didn't look like she hated Natalia's guts or wanted to run to the bathroom to vomit. She just looked… red.

“W-what?” stammered Natalia.

“A do-over,” repeated Tear, her hands still circling. “This time you can ask to kiss me, and I'll say yes, and then we can kiss.” She looked up at Natalia, scanning her face but never landing in one spot for too long. “You're crying. Why are you crying?”

“It's nothing,” said Natalia, hastily wiping her eyes with the back of her hand first, and then with her arm when that wasn't enough. A do-over. And Tear said she would say yes. She started to smile, a watery, disbelieving smile, the smile of someone who might be having the best dying dream ever, or of someone who might be experiencing it in real life. “Yes. A do-over. I would very much like to do that.”

“Well,” said Tear, coloring even more, if possible. “Whenever you're ready.”

“Mystearica Grants, would you do me the great honor of allowing me…” started Natalia in the same grand voice she had used to announce her room when they had arrived. It worked; Tear giggled, relieving some of the tension that still crackled in the air between them. Then, more softly, she said, “Tear, may I kiss you?”

“Please do,” said Tear quietly. Before Natalia could lean in, Tear tilted her head upwards and caught her with a kiss. Tear's lips felt exactly like they looked: soft and silken as tulip petals, or the downy feathers that filled several of Natalia's pillows. The two drew closer together, and their fingers tangled, and their noses bumped, and it was gentle and terrifying and awkward and wonderful. And before too long, it was over, but they both smiled as their lips separated, their foreheads pressed together, the heat radiating off their faces.

“Thank you,” said Natalia, her breath warm between them.

“For what?” asked Tear, and Natalia almost dissolved into a giggles again, but a yawn cut her off. She pulled away from Tear, who opened her mouth in a yawn equal in intensity to Natalia's own. Funny how that worked, Natalia thought.

“It's late,” she said. Tear nodded in agreement.

“We should sleep,” she said simply.

They each drank some lavender tea, which was half-cold but undeniably calming. Or maybe Natalia felt calmed by the knowledge that Tear didn't hate her, that Tear most _certainly_ did not hate her. They washed their faces and brushed their teeth and cleared various objects that had accumulated throughout the night off the bed. Natalia turned off the softly glowing lamps, and Tear retrieved Lady Snufflehop from the vanity chair, and they both crawled into bed. They lay so that they weren't quite touching, but they could feel the warmth coming off of each other, they could hear each other breathing. After a few minutes, when Natalia was about to fall asleep, Tear's voice drifted over to her.

“Could I hold your hand?” it asked. Natalia smiled to herself.

“Please do,” she said. A moment later, Tear's palm found hers. They laced their fingers together so that they were safe, inseparable from one another. With a smile still on her lips and Tear's hand in hers, Natalia fell into a peaceful sleep.

* * *

 

When she awoke, the sun was just beginning to pour into the room through large windows. Crystals shaped like teardrops and diamonds and ovals and faceted spheres caught the morning light and scattered it in all directions, casting reflections and rainbows that danced all over the room. Natalia sat up in bed and turned to Tear, remembering the offhanded promise she had made early the night before. Beside her, Tear slumbered deeply. Strands of her hair had been pulled from her braid overnight and now spread out over her face and shoulders. Her mouth hung slightly open, her right arm was wrapped firmly around Lady Snufflehop the rappig, and when she shifted a little Natalia could see pinkish indentations from the rumpled pillowcase spread across her cheek. Her body was curled towards Natalia's. Natalia settled back into the spot where she had lain before waking.

She closed her eyes, Tear's slow and even breaths creating a soothing rhythm that felt a little like the waves of the ocean. They could admire the crystals together another morning.

**Author's Note:**

> I ended up adopting some of Tear's stims while I was writing this, actually. Tear's interactions with Lady Snufflehop (proud of that name) are totally based on my interactions with this very round cow stuffed animal that a middle/high school friend has... and also with any soft thing of appropriate size and shape. I love that cow, though. this is the fruit of way more labor than I expected, so please comment/kudos if you liked it! either would be great, but comments really make my day.


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